Disclaimer: This post is intended for mature audiences above the age of 18. references to mental health are included within this post. Reader discretion is advised.
Dear Readers
When I think about my childhood years I didn't realize how different, odd and emotionally worn down I was as a child, until I looked back on my life in more depth and detail. I was a quiet child, strange, quirky and I kept myself to myself.
From my earliest memories of my childhood I don't recall a time where I was not singing to myself or singing along to music that my Mum was playing in the living room. I've always loved listening to music as a way to relax, decompress and feel things which other mediums just don't make me feel. I think if this blog were a song it would be a carefully composed orchestral arrangement of violins, Cellos, flutes, Drums and piano. It would start off gloomy and take the listeners ears on a journey from the darkest beginnings of my childhood years, through the teenage tantrums and into my turbulent twenties. Finally finishing off with a bold, bright ending using high notes and a slow tempo to ring out repeatedly. Where does that music in my brain come from anyway? I don't know about you but I am constantly singing or humming to myself. I was told by my peers not to sing and I was bullied for trying to create singing videos and wanting to share them with others. I felt crushed and defeated from such a young age. That set me on a path which I never truly recovered from. Looking back I wish I told those people to go F*** themselves. Needless to say, the singing stopped.
It is only now as I am nearly the age of thirty that I can talk about the feelings I experienced growing up. Whenever I was interacting with my friends as a child I was always afraid to join in with them. I would never dance, play or interact with the world like my friends did. No matter where I was invited or what they were doing, I never wanted to be involved because I was afraid of doing or saying something to embarrass myself. These days I embarrass myself daily and I just don't care what other people think of me. I feel stupid for a day or two and then move on. I enjoy my life, I laugh loudly, I love deeply and I stay true to who I am no matter what. No compromising.
If I could tell my younger self anything it would be this: "Don't be afraid to be who you truly are, it's okay that your'e different and one day you'll grow up to become someone who is brave, strong willed and full of courage".
The best things in life come in small packages
I was small in size and stature compared to my friends. That bothered me and It further fueled the feelings of inadequacy which lived with me way into my teenage and early adult years. Being short and small is nothing to be ashamed of and my Mum always used to tell me: "The best things in life come in small packages". I was bullied for my size and height all the way up to the age of fifteen, when a delayed growth spurt hit me all at once and I grew in height quite quickly. For reference I am 5 foot 11 and very happy with my height now! It seems so ridiculous and minuscule but I would stay up late getting upset over my height and wondering why I was shorter than everyone else.
Writing this is already bringing back some terrible memories but it's also therapeutic and freeing. I want to provide my readers with transparency whilst telling a story and this is the best way that I know how to do just that. For anyone out there who suffers with self esteem issues and body issues please remember to go easy on yourself. In this age of social media, false advertising, filtered pictures and false picture perfect lives it is so easy to get caught up in a vicious cycle of comparing yourself to others. There is only one you, you are Unique. Nobody can compare to you and if it all gets too much, shut off social media and give yourself some much needed rest and time to hibernate before returning to the world.
Speaking of hibernating, As a child I enjoyed my own company and I never minded being alone. I started to feel more alone whenever I tried to socialize and meet people. It's hard to fit in with horses when you know deep down you're a zebra. I'd be surrounded by people laughing and having a great time but I wanted nothing more than to go to one of my safe havens and block the world out.
Sensory overload: I struggled with sensory overload back then and I still struggle with it now. For anyone who doesn't understand what sensory overload is like than I urge you to watch the movie Man of Steel. A movie based on Clark Kent (Superman).
There is a scene where young Clark runs out of the classroom he is in because he is struggling to adjust to his powers on Earth. He sees everything clearly, he sees through peoples bodies with his X-ray eyes and hears their heartbeat. He hears the ambient sounds around him, the clock ticking, birds chirping, dogs barking which become amplified like they're being played through a loud speaker right into his ear canal.
He runs out of the classroom and finds a nearby cleaning cupboard to hide in. The teacher and a group of students stand outside the cupboard, The students whispering rude things about Clark and calling him a freak. His Mum arrives and Clark tells her that "The world is too big mum", "Then make it smaller" she replies. The best way I have found to cope with sensory overload is by making sure I always have a focal point to drown out the rest of the noise. For example if I am in a busy restaurant and the noises become too loud I have to actively choose to focus on one of the sounds to drown out the others. When I first saw this scene again after getting diagnosed with Autism, I cried my eyes out. Great movie though and a must watch for any fan of the DC universe.
Tip: Always keep a pair of over the ear headphones with you when going into situations which you may find challenging or triggering. Normal headphones are fine too, or even ear plugs/defenders if you don't mind that feeling of everything sounding like you're underwater, (I hate it).
Developmental differences
All along the writing really was on the wall when it came to developmental differences. Twenty five years ago our understanding of the ASD landscape was so different and so narrow compared to what it is now, my parents clearly missed a lot of these developmental differences between me and my other siblings.
I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was Thirteen. I had a challenge with my balance, hand eye coordination and a lot of anxiety relating to the big wide world. Eventually my older brother taught me how to ride a bike with a lot of persuasion and I was off like a rocket. Riding around everywhere and constantly going for bike rides. I missed out on many years of riding a bike simply because I was so anxious and afraid of trying.
I didn't learn to tell the time using an analogue watch until I was Fifteen. I was bullied for that as well and that gave me a lot of anxiety. I do know how to the tell the time now but it still takes me a while sometimes.
When I was younger I had a number of traumatic incidents with water. Some during my swimming lessons at school where you were supposed to feel safe and looked after. I felt anything but that and after trying to learn how to swim I never grasped the concept of it and nearly drowned multiple times. I had to be pulled out of the water each time and to this day I still can't swim. That quickly developed into a serious fear/phobia of water. I run shallow baths, I hate heavy rain, I rarely drive in heavy rain unless I have too. I never let water get passed my neck when I am in a swimming pool, the sea or a hot tub.
I couldn't understand how to tie my shoe laces until I was fifteen or so. I tried and tried but I just couldn't do it. As a result I heavily relied on Velcro shoes for a long time and hoped nobody would notice any type of Velcro or slip on shoe. I would ask the people closest to me if they could tie my laces and I would hate going to anyone's house purely from the fear of my laces becoming loose and having to ask someone to help me retie them.
Final thoughts
I often wonder how different my life would have been if my parents had noticed all of these little developmental differences and if they recognized how my tantrums were probably me reacting to a sensory problem or a meltdown was me trying to express to them how all I wanted to do was go home to be in my happy place. My advice to any parents out there who are learning about ASD and see signs of Autism in their children: Speak to your Doctor or GP and start the process of finding out whether they might have Autism, ADHD, ADD or any other relevant quirk with their brain. Even if it ends up being nothing then it's better to take that leap and check rather than leaving them in the dark. Better to spot it early so you can provide the right support to your children so they don't end up traumatized at twenty nine and start writing a blog about it. *Laughs cheekily*
It has been very tough for me writing these things which are so personal and sharing them with the public. If this helps anybody in any way, that's what truly matters. I am definitely going to keep writing about my younger years. What are the signs of ASD that you've seen with your children? I would be interested to hear about your stories. You can reach out to me on my community Facebook page, Autism Unchained.
Thank you for reading
Oli
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