Disclaimer - The content of this post is meant for an adult audience. Reader discretion is advised.
Dear Readers
For many people in England we use a phrase which is: Remember remember the 5th of November. We use the phrase to remind ourselves when Bonfire night is on the way. We also use it because it's catchy and quirky. The story of the famous man named Guy Fawkes is one of a man who tried to blow up the houses of parliament and failed. His failed gunpowder plot led to the execution of him and his co-conspirators. Every year we celebrate that failed plot by lighting bonfires, setting off fireworks and burning effigies.
I have always absolutely loved Bonfire night and I enjoy the celebrations very much. As a Pagan I relish in the thought of sitting by a bonfire and gazing deep into the flames whilst feeling that beautiful sense of peacefulness and warmth embrace my entire body and calm my mind. For me fires represent all that encompasses part of being Autistic. They are beautiful and burn brightly, they are unassuming providing a small flicker of light in an otherwise dark world. They can damage entire cities, forests and raze large structures to the ground. They can warm people and bring people together. They can allow people to relax and open up and share stories around a fire together.
For me 5th November 2021 was the best Bonfire Night I had ever experienced in my life so far. I didn't sit around a fire though and I saw very few fireworks, I spent most of it alone. Despite all of that, on the 5th of November 2021 I received my full diagnosis in writing. As soon as I heard the sharp sound of the letters being squeezed through our letter box, I instantly jumped up. I knew full well these were the results I had been waiting for, for what felt like an eternity (despite it being only a matter of weeks). I picked up the letters and noticed the seals of my Doctors practice and the usual confidential markings.
I allowed myself to wake up, have a cigarette and compose myself before opening them. Up until this point I had not been told 100% That I am Autistic or not. I knew deep down that I was different though, I had always felt different from everyone else in the world, I never fit in anywhere and I was constantly being called "Weird or crazy" by multiple people over the years. I was so afraid that I was going to be diagnosed with something so complicated or something which would people make people actually label me as "Crazy".
However, paraphrasing Sheldon Cooper from the show The big bang theory, I'm not crazy, I have been tested! Once I had done all of my morning routines, woken up properly and come alive, I opened the letters.
The letters recounted all of the details and depths that I went into whilst speaking to the Doctors and participating in therapy sessions over a few weeks to begin with. They also included a breakdown of the screening tests and the results. I will be sure to write another post about the testing methods used as they are quite fascinating.
Unsurprisingly I scored incredibly high in every area and I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's (this term was only used in conversation as Asperger's now falls under the category of Autism Spectrum Disorder) my actually diagnosis states Autism Spectrum Disorder. The letters also mentioned prolonged low mood, high anxiety, depression and traits of Emotionally unstable personality disorder. I have had issues with mental health my entire life. I have always felt incredibly anxious, depressed and often at times not wanting to live life at all. Once I read these letters a few times I was overcome with so many emotions.
The first thing I felt was an overwhelming sense of freedom and relief! Finally I have an honest answer for why I am the way I am. I remember feeling so happy and overjoyed that I started ringing and texting my friends and family to tell them the news. I have spent many months since looking back over my life and laughing to myself about so many situations which I didn't understand or so many times when I was the last person to get the joke being told on a night out.
I was happy to tell people I have Asperger's. I'm still immensely proud and happy to tell people about my Autism and I like being able to quickly make people aware of my Autism so when I say something silly which doesn't suit social convention at least I now have the best defence to explain it. Autism has been like a life saving shield for me. My shield of Autism is always with me, never faltering and beautifully bright no matter how dark the days or nights seem. Being diagnosed has given me so much clarity and for once in my life I don't feel alone anymore! I feel loved, looked after and supported.
I know this is only my first post on a tiny little blog which is a spec of digital dust in the pixel canvas I am writing this on but If anyone out there is reading this then I want you to know that no matter what happens in your life, you are always loved by someone. Someone, somewhere out there is cheering you on and you don't know it yet, why? Because they may not have told you and they might not ever tell you, that's the truth! I promise you though there are more people who love you than you think and since being diagnosed I have had so much more support from friends, family, colleagues and even strangers who understand the struggles of being on the Spectrum.
I'd like to end this post with one of my favourite quotes of all time.
"A single twig breaks, but the bundle of twigs is strong" - Tecumseh
Thanks for reading!
Oli
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